"You ruined my life once, I'll not let you do it again!" Tobias cried. "Oliver, my sword!" he called out to his best friend.
"Here's the best I could do on such short notice," Oliver said, handing Tobias a wooden spoon.
"I'll spoon you to death, hag!" Tobias roared, leaping forward to smoosh Plessy with the smooth wooden implement.
"Ah!" Plessy wailed, until she realized she hadn't been stabbed, but spooned. "A spoon? You're going to have to do better than that!"
A small crowd was beginning to gather, the usual brick-a-brack motley crew of Baskians, clad in their outdated fashions and all smelling of onions.
"I'll do all I can!" Tobias said. He charged, head-on, into his wife. He collided with her shriveled form with a blunt clap, and then carried her body across the street in his charge, straight into a brick wall.
"Ow, my back!" Plessy whined. "I'm not supposed to have it smashed into brick walls!"
"You brute!" one of the Baskian citizens called out. "What sort of man fights a woman?"
"This one," Tobias answered, thumbing at himself. He picked Plessy up again and body-slammed her.
"Ahhh!" Plessy cried. She crawled like a spider up the side of the building she had been smashed into, and then began hurling her feces down at Tobias.
"Mere physicality will not overcome this beast," Oliver said, running up to his friend's side.
"What do you propose, my cunning comrade?" Tobias asked, dodging a fecal projectile.
"We'll need magic, and a good bit of it," Oliver said.
"What are you, an idiot?" Tobias asked. "There's no such thing as magic."
"There is, Tobias, but there is," Oliver said, his green eyes sparkling in his tiny little face. "I have it on good word from a local that this place is filled with magical devices and weapons, available to those true of heart and mind."
"Yes, but what am I supposed to do?" Tobias yakked. "Take this, festering wound!" he hollered up to Plessy, hurling a brick toward her. She caught the brick, and crushed it in her mouth.
"Droll," Oliver said. "Quickly, now's the time to flee!"
"My match is met," Tobias agreed. "I'll be back for you, monstrous ogre!" he called to Plessy, shaking his fist.
"And I'll be waiting, to seal your doom!" Plessy hissed, cackling. "Also, could you remember to bring home some milk and some flour?" she asked. "I need to make some muffins."
"Milk maybe, flour never!" Tobias cried, as he and Oliver fled the street for the outskirts of town.
After ten minutes of beleaguered running, the friends finally reached the outskirts of town.
"I think I'm dying," Tobias complained, as rivers of sweat ran down from his filthy mutton-chops to cascade over his corpulent form, glistening like fatty gristle.
"I...need...turtle," Oliver panted.
"Well you can't have me," a turtle huffed, and then marched away haughtily.
"We need to find that aforementioned magic," Tobias said. "Any ideas on where it might be?"
"Well," Oliver began, reading over a sign-post, "there's Calumine, to the south, and Falls two miles north, and.. there we are. Magic Weapon Place, three miles to the east of here."
"Excellent!" Tobias said. "Let us go to find that which will let us defeat the wench!"
"Can we stop for frogurt?" Oliver whispered.
And they did stop for frogurt, but it wasn't very good. Though they got free toppings, which were.
"Here we are," Tobias said as he and Oliver came to Magic Weapon Place. Fireworks and explosions echoed throughout the city, which was lit in various corners by the lumens of magical spells and divinations. A beautiful woman began to walk seductively towards Tobias, only to disappear in a puff of blue smoke just before he could meet her pursed lips in a kiss.
"Ah, love is like a mirage. Illusive," Oliver said. "Here we are, Wench Weapon Way," he said, pointing to a city map.
"Excellent," Tobias said. "I'll put that Plessy down for good, if the gods have saved any grace for me yet." He tripped and fell into a unicorn's droppings.
"Doesn't bode well, does it, old boy?" Oliver giggled.
NEXT TIME: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN