After many horrible days at sea, the Lady Juliana completed her trip over the Anir Ocean, and arrived at the bustling port of Nyunex, crown jewel of the continent of Bask. Nyunex was a hot and dry place, where potable water was a rare treasure and vice took hold of the minds of the people like a... vice.
"Fish!" one of the many merchants crowding the docks cried out to Oliver and Tobias, as they staggered dizzily off the ship. "I'm selling fish!"
"Boar!" another merchant cried. "Boar is better than fish!"
"At least I don't copulate with my produce!" the first salesman cried in his sing-song salesman way. "Fish! I'm selling fish!"
"Get your boar here!" the second merchant cried, all smiles and jigs as he moved towards the fishmonger. "Get yourself killed with some rotten fish here with this guy!" he sang.
The two men began to wrestle, devolving into a big blurry ball of futile energy out of view.
"What a horrible entry scene," Tobias said.
Oliver nodded. " 'struth. What a place is Bask. I expected more..."
"What more, my friend?" Tobias asked.
"More scenery. I guess the author spent his budget on the ship."
I entered the scene briefly, to ease the minds of my confused characters. "We've just received a grant!" I said. "Bring on the scenery!" I wrote many cacti and buildings to the scenery, and gave it a deeper culture, and threw in something about politics. Then, because why not, I had a kangaroo hop through the scene.
Oliver frowned at my cheap storytelling. "Okay, I suppose," he said. Seeing him in person, I realized just how tiny he really was. I wanted to get him a litter box and some tuna. But authors musn't intermingle too much in their own stories.
"Enough of this nonsense!" Tobias cried. "I've ale to qualify. Fenni!" he cried. "Fenni, old boy?"
Fenni popped out of a barrel of oranges and said, "I'll thank you to address me as Your Honor, please. I've a reputation to create, you know."
"Certainly," Tobias conceded. "How soon, pray tell, could you place me in my position?"
"That's what she said!" Fenni roared. "HAW HAW HAW!"
Oliver shuddered. "Please, don't leave yourself so open," he begged Tobias.
"SHE SAID THAT TOO!" Fenni yakked. "HAW HAW!"
"Stop it," Tobias said. "Your honor, I just want to get on with it."
"That's... on with... Right. Cough," Fenni said. "Let me get situated first. And then I'll see you at County Hall tomorrow morning. Az-kabani, come with me," he ordered the mysterious dark beauty.
"Hurka-hoola-do!" she cried. "I will follow expediently."
The two Segwayed off the pier to the tune of the Golden Girls theme song.
"Bask!" Oliver cried, his eyes lighting up with the rainbow of sunset. "I thought it would be warmer!" he whimpered.
Just then, a real hussy by the name of Charlotte Sprig walked by. "Don't worry, mate. It'll get plenty warm. The sun has just started to rise!"
Tobias twinkled his fingers as if he were about to eat pie. "A local wench, eh? How long have you been in-continent?" he asked Charlotte.
"Excuse me?" she balked. "I can hold my bowels quite well, thank-you."
Oliver laughed. "No, he means to ask how long you've been here."
"Ben Hur?" Charlotte asked. "I don't much like Charlton Heston..."
I decided this scene was completely unsalvagable, and so I entered it again. "Uh, guys, we're going to cut this scene in the final draft," I said. I chose to appear as a flaming white monkey. "I'm just really sleepy from work last night, and I can't make any sense right now."
Tobias turned to me and said, "We'd skip the whole story if sense were paramount, Graham. But, truly, Ben Hur? I'm all for anachronism, but that's not even funny."
"Fresh!" Charlotte chided Tobias, giving him a slap.
Oliver frowned. "Rotten," he said, slapping me.
"I don't have to stand for this!" I said. "I'm the writer!" So I sat down. And Oliver slapped me again.
Tobias checked his Iphone as the nonsense devolved into nothingness. "Okay, okay, let's get some plot points going here. I can't see you ever again writing anything with me in it, and I want to get a good story."
"Right," Oliver agreed. "Me too. Let's see... Well, we've got the job thing with Fenni, the whores, the foreign location... what are you thinking?"
"Let's start with a new scene," Tobias said. "Tomorrow morning, when I show up at County Hall."
"Sounds good, my old friend," Oliver said.
Tobias sighed. "Now that we've thoroughly destroyed the fourth wall, I might as well take this opportunity to aske the audience to pencil next week's production of "Pirates of Penzance" into their date books. I play the major general, and it is going to be fantastic."
"I've information vegetable animal and mineral!" Oliver sang.
"Also," I added, receiving a lump-sum payment, "T-Mobile is offering free text messaging with a one-year contract right now. T-Mobile: Takin' it to the T."
And really, that was enough. I needed breakfast. The cat needed attention. And so that's all I wrote today. Deal with it.
NEXT TIME: DRIVEL-CAKES