Continued from Part 1
Tobias Bilge had been married to his wife for nearly fifteen years. They never liked each other much, but thankfully, they worked opposite schedules, and so they rarely had to see each other. Unthankfully, Plessy Bilge, Tobias' wife, got moved to the day shift, and so Tobias was forced to confront her awfulness head-on, often. Things couldn't have gone well. Their marriage was doomed before any mention or news of Tobias'... indescretions.
Tobias, after meeting with his elfin friend Oliver, had decided to move west, to the recently civilized continent of Bask, to leave his wife behind and start anew. He just needed to make a quick trip home to collect his things.
"Oh, she'll have my hide!" Tobias said, creeping along the side of his house. "I can feel her glower now Show me to the door, she will." He climbed through an open window. "I'll show her a thing or two!" he said to himself, tumbling onto his living room rug.
"Aha!" Plessy Bilge cried from the door to the kitchen. "I've caught you in another sticky situation!" Plessy Bilge was more of a ferret than a woman, and when she spoke she had the invariable effect of making anyone who heard her cringe in anguish.
"Heaven help me," Tobias said to the ceiling.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" Plessy demanded. "I ordered you out, and I will have sway in my home!"
Tobias growled and said, "Tell me again, what you did to purchase this house? No, upon thinking I do not care to hear how you come about your extra money."
"I certainly don't get it from you!" Plessy squawked like a chicken. "Look at these rags you've forced me to wear! And our drapes... They are so last-year!"
Tobias threw up a little in his mouth, as was the effect of hearing too much of his wife's talking, swallowed, and then said, "I've come for my things. Not for further discussion of our deceased marriage!"
Plessy, for the first time realizing the finality of the situation, turned a bright shade of pink, then green, then blue, then pink again, then she sort of disappeared for a second, then she came back. "But...I...well..." she ranted, pecking about the floor for loose bits of seed. "You'll not get anything, if I have any word in it!"
"I'm quite sure you will," Tobias said, "but I only plan to take what is mine out-and-out." Moving to the mantle, he seized hold of his pipe. "My pipe," he said, taking hold of the pipe that he seized.
Plessy raced into the living room. "That's my grandfather's pipe!" she howled. "Give it here!"
"But you don't even take tobacco," Tobias protested.
"Here!" Plessy said, gritting her teeth like a crazed monkey, "Now."
The beleaguered Tobias handed the pipe over to Plessy's claws. "And what say you to my book, my sack, and my cloak?" he asked, certain of her answer.
"I bought that book, I sewed that sack, and you can have the cloak, the cat's messed upon it," Plessy answered.
Tobias sighed. "Well, that about sums it up, I suppose," he supposed. "I'll now off to a new and better life. Au revoir, my gentle hyenna. Whenever the wind blows, I'll thank it for not carrying your voice."
Plessy got all up in Tobias' face and was like, "And just where do you plan to run, Mr. Mr.? Where will you hide? Mark my words, if you leave me here, penniless to rot in this stench-hole, I'll follow you to the ends of Alm and tell your new life of your... indiscretions!"
"Worry not, snot-beast," Tobias said in the manner of a cartoon bear, "I'll run so far away from you that your hell-hounds nor your witches' divinations may find me again. I'm sorry to have met you, ruined to have wed you, and hopeful that we spend our eternities on opposite poles of the heavenly sphere."
Tobias then jumped out the living-room window and ran away giggling, leaving Plessy to punch holes in the walls of her very poorly-constructed house. Tobias was free of his old life and his old wife. But he didn't have any clean underwear.
NEXT TIME: INANE BANTER