Tobias and Oliver began to make progress down Wench Weapon Way, stopping to look in the windows of the little shops as they went. There were any number of magical implements on sale, though none were as impressive as those at Martini's Murdering Msupplies.
"It's rather ridiculous that there is magic in this story, isn't it?" Oliver asked Tobias. "The world of Alm doesn't contain any magic."
"What about coincidence, and happy chance?" Tobias asked.
"Nonsense," Oliver huffed. "The author certainly is getting lazy."
"Oh, but he's working a lot, and he had a serious book to publish this month," Tobias said.
"That's no excuse," Oliver whined. "He started our story and then just disappeared! He doesn't care about us anymore."
To prove it wasn't true, the author granted Oliver a more impressive stature, and a pocket-full of goldquartz.
"Aw, he really does care," Oliver said. "How about a little something more?" he asked. A pie whizzed by his face. "Never mind," he said.
"Enough of that nonsense," Tobias said. "We need to get rid of Plessy, and fast! Here: Martini's Murdering Msupplies. They ought to have what we need."
Tobias and Oliver entered into the shop, which was all old and dusty and stuff. A funny-looking, say, old book-keep appeared from behind a giant book cover to greet the friends.
"Hello!" he said. "Are you here to get supplies to murder someone?"
"Indeed we are," Tobias said. "I've a harlot-wife that I'm looking to eliminate. What could you show me in a deathly arrow?"
"Well, let's not be so hasty," the book-keep said. "Are you looking to punish and torture, or just outright kill?"
"Ooh, go for a bit o' punishment," Oliver urged Tobias.
"Because if you're looking for that sort of thing, it's right out," the book-keep said. "We don't go in for that sort of thing around here. Now, continuing on: are you looking for a burning, an explosion, an aneurysm..."
"Oh, I think an explosion would do nicely," Tobias said, curtsying.
"Excellent," the book-keep said. "Here's a spell straight from hell: read it thrice, aim your gaze at the harlot-wife, lock your balls, and prepare for some awful heartburn."
"What will happen?" Tobias asked the book-keep.
"Well, your wife will explode. Rather completely. I actually consider it an evisceration, but, I don't get to make up the names, do I?" the book-keep said as he wrapped the spell, which was written on a small scroll, in brown paper. "Ten pieces, please."
"Here you are," Oliver said, stopping Tobias hand to pay for the spell and another he had picked out for himself.
"What's that you got for yourself?" Tobias asked.
"Uh, nothing, nothing," Oliver said, blushing.
"I should warn you, sir, it will last a very, very long time. Painfully long, really," the book-keep said to Oliver regarding his spell. "And if you do not exercise it often during the... course of action, well... you'll feel rather blue indeed, let me just say that."
"Right," Oliver said with a wink. "Well, thanks, then. Now to explode your wife!" he said to Tobias.
"Fireworks from heaven," Tobias said, leaning his head in to meet Oliver's forehead in a postcard-perfect pose.
"Ugh, get out of my store," the book-keep said. And so Tobias and Oliver did.
When they got back to town, Plessy was terrorizing the citizens, singing in her simply abhorrent voice songs of hibiscus and wheat-thins.
"Make it stop! Good gods, make it stop!" a certain, rather discontented citizen cried, running past Tobias and Oliver as they made their way to Plessy's lair, in the middle of town.
"So you've returned!" Plessy cried. "Where's the milk?" she shrieked. "No milk! Aaaaah!"
"Be quiet, wench! Tobias, unleash your power!" Oliver cried.
Tobias tore into the brown package of what he thought was his scroll, and then began to recite the spell. "Bigger and longer, bigger and longer, bigger and longer!" he screamed, glaring at his wife, and then he locked his balls, whatever that means.
"Aaaah!" Plessy cried, as she developed a painfully large erection. "What is happening to me!?"
"I think that one was for me," Oliver said, blushing. "Here's the exploding spell," he said, handing the second paper package to Tobias.
"Terrifying!" Tobias yelped, and then launched into the proper spell. "Explode, explode, explode!" he yelled, looking at his wife with the locked-balls thing.
Plessy exploded into a bloody mess. She rained down on the town like a nightmare.
"That was terrible," Oliver said. "So gory. There wasn't even a fire ball."
"Well, she's dead," Tobias said, sitting down in a shallow puddle of his former wife. "You know, I thought I'd be happy, but... I feel a little bad."
"Yes, but your... indiscretions," Oliver reminded his friend. "She would have ruined your life."
" 'struth!" Tobias cried, jumping up zestfully. "Now it's new life, new me!"
"THat's right," Oliver said. "Adventures all around!"
And that's it.
Other crapulent stories will continue the drivel-prosed gobbledygook that is the life of Tobias Bilge.
I'm very sorry.