To celebrate my birthday and the debut of The Vanished Colony, my new science fiction adventure set in the world of Alm, I will be offering said adventure for FREE! If you have a kindle or a kindle reading app (which you totally should), you'll be able to download the whole book, free of charge, from the amazon.com website from September 6th through September 10th. The book follows a group of colonists to a newly discovered continent, a place where mystery and strange life-forms abound. It's a quick read, the first of an intended trilogy, and my beta readers so have really enjoyed it. Please join me for the best adventure in Alm yet! It'll be a hoot*.
*hoot cannot be guaranteed.
Thanks for your time, and have a great day!
Graham M. Irwin
Tobias and Oliver began to make progress down Wench Weapon Way, stopping to look in the windows of the little shops as they went. There were any number of magical implements on sale, though none were as impressive as those at Martini's Murdering Msupplies.
"It's rather ridiculous that there is magic in this story, isn't it?" Oliver asked Tobias. "The world of Alm doesn't contain any magic."
"What about coincidence, and happy chance?" Tobias asked.
"Nonsense," Oliver huffed. "The author certainly is getting lazy."
"Oh, but he's working a lot, and he had a serious book to publish this month," Tobias said.
"That's no excuse," Oliver whined. "He started our story and then just disappeared! He doesn't care about us anymore."
To prove it wasn't true, the author granted Oliver a more impressive stature, and a pocket-full of goldquartz.
"Aw, he really does care," Oliver said. "How about a little something more?" he asked. A pie whizzed by his face. "Never mind," he said.
"Enough of that nonsense," Tobias said. "We need to get rid of Plessy, and fast! Here: Martini's Murdering Msupplies. They ought to have what we need."
Tobias and Oliver entered into the shop, which was all old and dusty and stuff. A funny-looking, say, old book-keep appeared from behind a giant book cover to greet the friends.
"Hello!" he said. "Are you here to get supplies to murder someone?"
"Indeed we are," Tobias said. "I've a harlot-wife that I'm looking to eliminate. What could you show me in a deathly arrow?"
"Well, let's not be so hasty," the book-keep said. "Are you looking to punish and torture, or just outright kill?"
"Ooh, go for a bit o' punishment," Oliver urged Tobias.
"Because if you're looking for that sort of thing, it's right out," the book-keep said. "We don't go in for that sort of thing around here. Now, continuing on: are you looking for a burning, an explosion, an aneurysm..."
"Oh, I think an explosion would do nicely," Tobias said, curtsying.
"Excellent," the book-keep said. "Here's a spell straight from hell: read it thrice, aim your gaze at the harlot-wife, lock your balls, and prepare for some awful heartburn."
"What will happen?" Tobias asked the book-keep.
"Well, your wife will explode. Rather completely. I actually consider it an evisceration, but, I don't get to make up the names, do I?" the book-keep said as he wrapped the spell, which was written on a small scroll, in brown paper. "Ten pieces, please."
"Here you are," Oliver said, stopping Tobias hand to pay for the spell and another he had picked out for himself.
"What's that you got for yourself?" Tobias asked.
"Uh, nothing, nothing," Oliver said, blushing.
"I should warn you, sir, it will last a very, very long time. Painfully long, really," the book-keep said to Oliver regarding his spell. "And if you do not exercise it often during the... course of action, well... you'll feel rather blue indeed, let me just say that."
"Right," Oliver said with a wink. "Well, thanks, then. Now to explode your wife!" he said to Tobias.
"Fireworks from heaven," Tobias said, leaning his head in to meet Oliver's forehead in a postcard-perfect pose.
"Ugh, get out of my store," the book-keep said. And so Tobias and Oliver did.
When they got back to town, Plessy was terrorizing the citizens, singing in her simply abhorrent voice songs of hibiscus and wheat-thins.
"Make it stop! Good gods, make it stop!" a certain, rather discontented citizen cried, running past Tobias and Oliver as they made their way to Plessy's lair, in the middle of town.
"So you've returned!" Plessy cried. "Where's the milk?" she shrieked. "No milk! Aaaaah!"
"Be quiet, wench! Tobias, unleash your power!" Oliver cried.
Tobias tore into the brown package of what he thought was his scroll, and then began to recite the spell. "Bigger and longer, bigger and longer, bigger and longer!" he screamed, glaring at his wife, and then he locked his balls, whatever that means.
"Aaaah!" Plessy cried, as she developed a painfully large erection. "What is happening to me!?"
"I think that one was for me," Oliver said, blushing. "Here's the exploding spell," he said, handing the second paper package to Tobias.
"Terrifying!" Tobias yelped, and then launched into the proper spell. "Explode, explode, explode!" he yelled, looking at his wife with the locked-balls thing.
Plessy exploded into a bloody mess. She rained down on the town like a nightmare.
"That was terrible," Oliver said. "So gory. There wasn't even a fire ball."
"Well, she's dead," Tobias said, sitting down in a shallow puddle of his former wife. "You know, I thought I'd be happy, but... I feel a little bad."
"Yes, but your... indiscretions," Oliver reminded his friend. "She would have ruined your life."
" 'struth!" Tobias cried, jumping up zestfully. "Now it's new life, new me!"
"THat's right," Oliver said. "Adventures all around!"
And that's it.
Other crapulent stories will continue the drivel-prosed gobbledygook that is the life of Tobias Bilge.
I'm very sorry.
"You ruined my life once, I'll not let you do it again!" Tobias cried. "Oliver, my sword!" he called out to his best friend.
"Here's the best I could do on such short notice," Oliver said, handing Tobias a wooden spoon.
"I'll spoon you to death, hag!" Tobias roared, leaping forward to smoosh Plessy with the smooth wooden implement.
"Ah!" Plessy wailed, until she realized she hadn't been stabbed, but spooned. "A spoon? You're going to have to do better than that!"
A small crowd was beginning to gather, the usual brick-a-brack motley crew of Baskians, clad in their outdated fashions and all smelling of onions.
"I'll do all I can!" Tobias said. He charged, head-on, into his wife. He collided with her shriveled form with a blunt clap, and then carried her body across the street in his charge, straight into a brick wall.
"Ow, my back!" Plessy whined. "I'm not supposed to have it smashed into brick walls!"
"You brute!" one of the Baskian citizens called out. "What sort of man fights a woman?"
"This one," Tobias answered, thumbing at himself. He picked Plessy up again and body-slammed her.
"Ahhh!" Plessy cried. She crawled like a spider up the side of the building she had been smashed into, and then began hurling her feces down at Tobias.
"Mere physicality will not overcome this beast," Oliver said, running up to his friend's side.
"What do you propose, my cunning comrade?" Tobias asked, dodging a fecal projectile.
"We'll need magic, and a good bit of it," Oliver said.
"What are you, an idiot?" Tobias asked. "There's no such thing as magic."
"There is, Tobias, but there is," Oliver said, his green eyes sparkling in his tiny little face. "I have it on good word from a local that this place is filled with magical devices and weapons, available to those true of heart and mind."
"Yes, but what am I supposed to do?" Tobias yakked. "Take this, festering wound!" he hollered up to Plessy, hurling a brick toward her. She caught the brick, and crushed it in her mouth.
"Droll," Oliver said. "Quickly, now's the time to flee!"
"My match is met," Tobias agreed. "I'll be back for you, monstrous ogre!" he called to Plessy, shaking his fist.
"And I'll be waiting, to seal your doom!" Plessy hissed, cackling. "Also, could you remember to bring home some milk and some flour?" she asked. "I need to make some muffins."
"Milk maybe, flour never!" Tobias cried, as he and Oliver fled the street for the outskirts of town.
After ten minutes of beleaguered running, the friends finally reached the outskirts of town.
"I think I'm dying," Tobias complained, as rivers of sweat ran down from his filthy mutton-chops to cascade over his corpulent form, glistening like fatty gristle.
"I...need...turtle," Oliver panted.
"Well you can't have me," a turtle huffed, and then marched away haughtily.
"We need to find that aforementioned magic," Tobias said. "Any ideas on where it might be?"
"Well," Oliver began, reading over a sign-post, "there's Calumine, to the south, and Falls two miles north, and.. there we are. Magic Weapon Place, three miles to the east of here."
"Excellent!" Tobias said. "Let us go to find that which will let us defeat the wench!"
"Can we stop for frogurt?" Oliver whispered.
And they did stop for frogurt, but it wasn't very good. Though they got free toppings, which were.
"Here we are," Tobias said as he and Oliver came to Magic Weapon Place. Fireworks and explosions echoed throughout the city, which was lit in various corners by the lumens of magical spells and divinations. A beautiful woman began to walk seductively towards Tobias, only to disappear in a puff of blue smoke just before he could meet her pursed lips in a kiss.
"Ah, love is like a mirage. Illusive," Oliver said. "Here we are, Wench Weapon Way," he said, pointing to a city map.
"Excellent," Tobias said. "I'll put that Plessy down for good, if the gods have saved any grace for me yet." He tripped and fell into a unicorn's droppings.
"Doesn't bode well, does it, old boy?" Oliver giggled.
NEXT TIME: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN